Oh dear. Oooh dear.

Well, that didn’t go quite according to plan.

Wow. Just wow. I was not expecting that. That’s very…um…wow. That’s a thing that just happened. Is it just me, or do you have a really bad feeling about this?

Yup. The election happened, and it didn’t go according to plan. What was supposed to happen (according to every single poll) was a rough tie between the Conservatives and Labour, then a Labour-SNP coalition. That would have confined the tossers Tories to five years on the opposition and a return to a sensible country with an NHS.

But no! Within ten minutes of the polls closing, the major broadcasters revealed an exit poll that showed the Lib Dems decimated, the SNP triumphant in all of Scotland, Labour sliced open and the Tories feasting off their guts. Rather than about 270-270 for the Tories and Labour, the poll suggested 316-232. Every single leader denounced it. The Lib Dem’s Paddy Ashdown said he would ‘literally eat his hat’ if the poll was right, and Labour’s Alistair Campbell said he would join in and ‘eat his kilt’.

But no! Over the night, the Tories gained seat after seat after seat. They passed 316 fairly quickly and ended up with 331 (with 323 being the number needed for a majority) seats and the Lib Dems falling from 57 to just 8 seats. All of which means…

The people who are notorious for privatising the NHS? The people who started taxing poor people for owning big houses? The people who basically made rich people exempt from tax? The people who cut benefits and public services down to the bone? The people who raised, and then raised tuition fees? The people who didn’t actually kill poor people with guns, but might as well have? That’s who we have for our new Supreme Leader.

In summary:

The Labour party, who are the only reasonable voice in this entire system, lost nearly 30 seats and their charismatic leader, Ed Milliband.

His charisma is unstoppable and also highly funny.

The Liberal Democrats, the power-sharing quasi-Tory lackeys were decimated. They lost 49 out of 57 seats, and a former minister was beaten in Scotland by a 20-year old student, who will have to miss Parliament to sit her final exams.

UKIP, the racist party, only got one seat and their leader, Nigel Farage, lost out. He has since resigned.

EDIT: Actually, the UKIP board of directors (hand puppets to Nigel) have refused his resignation. So he is still leader. What tossers.

The Greens got more than a million votes but failed to gain any more seats. Sad face.

The SNP (Scottish National Party) were the only real winners in this whole thing. They won 56 out of 59 Scottish seats, ravaging the former Labour heartland and leaving the Reds open to utter defeat.

And, the Conservatives. They won a majority of just 8 MPs, giving them a majority government. But it is a majority so narrow that it is hard to imagine them getting much done by popular vote.

So, in short. Emigrate to Scotland. The weather isn’t as nice, but at least they virtually have fiscal autonomy, no tuition fees and a female leader. All of which we are currently lacking down here. And if you know how to start a revolution, please do so now. We need one.

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